Musicians in General

Two men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it
was 175, The other responded " That's a coincidence so is mine, what
do you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came
"that's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table
and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were
both brain surgeons. At another nearby table one man despondently said
to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only
52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, " That's a coincidence.
So is mine. What instrument do you play????"


Knock, knock.  
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Phillip Glass.

 
You are in a room with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and Kenny G. You
have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot Kenny G twice... just to make sure.


Flutes/Piccolos

What is so tragic about 4 piccolo players driving off a cliff in a mini-van?  
A mini-van can seat 7.


How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
Shoot one.

   
What is the definition of perfect pitch for a piccolo?
When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.
   

What key is the alto flute pitched in?
G -- I really don't care, either!!

   
Double reeds

What's the nickname for a bassoon?
A farting bedpost.
 
 
What is the definition of a minor second?
Two oboes playing in unison.


What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.


How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

     
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
   

How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but if he's not around, the soprano sax player will do it.


Clarinets

How do you know when a clarinet player is at your house?
They don't know where to enter or what key to use.


What's the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails
down the blackboard?
Vibrato.
 
 
How do you stop an oboe from being stolen?
Put it in a clarinet case.

 
How do you know when a clarinetist has died?
The concertmaster moves them back a chair...

 
How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
Cut the noose.
 

What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
 
 
Why do clarinetists blow their horns between their legs?
That's all the excitement they can get.
      

Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a
cat in heat?
Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.
 

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

   
What is the worst possible insult to a tenor saxophone?
Confusing it with a bass clarinet.
   

What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.
   

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
   

What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.
   

Saxophones

What do a saxophone and a baseball have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
 
   
Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
There's no place to hide your weed.
   

If you can play low A on a tenor sax by sticking your foot in the
bell, how can you play it on a soprano sax?
   

What's the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?
The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second.
   

Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?
Because he thought the key signature was a just a suggestion.

   
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to do it, and four to comment on how David Sanborn would
have done it.

   
If lost in the woods, who do you ask for directions, an in-tune tenor
sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate that you're
hallucinating.

   
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?
You can tune a lawnmower. And, the neighbors care if you don't return
it.
   

What't the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of
life and a tenor sax?
The theory doesn't have as many leaks.
   

How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax?
Don't tune it.
 

How do you know if a saxophonist is a redneck?
He has an old bass sax up on blocks in his front yard.
   

Bagpipes

Why do bagpipe players march when they play?
a) To try to get away from the sound.
b) It's harder to hit a moving target.
 
   
Strings
   
How is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
 

One day, the conductor of a no-name orchestra got seriously ill, so
they pulled the second to last viola player to conduct for him.
Everything went off without a hitch, and the orchestra sounded great!
So, for the upcoming concert, they fired their old conductor and let
the viola player do it. It was great! They got rave reviews, went on
numerous tours all over the world, and became the most famous
orchestra in history. Then one day, the viola player told the
concertmaster that he would like to go back and play, and could they
hire a new conductor. So, the viola player went back to his seat,
where his stand partner quickly asked, "Oh, and where have YOU been?"
 

Why is a viola better than a violin?
The viola burns longer.
   

How do you get an electric guitarist to turn down?
Put sheet music in front of him.
   

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The piano player can do it with his left hand.
   

How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
Pay for the pizza. 


   A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat
   nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming
   from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he
   sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about
   nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."
   
   At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to
   get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will
   stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very
   unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries
   off.
   
   After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed
   up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts
   "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"
   
   "Bass solo."
   

Trumpet

How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
Write mp on the part.


What do trumpet players use for birth control?
Their personalities.


How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to do it and three to stand around and brag about how much
better they could have done it.
 

How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
Write mp on the part.


Why did the trumpet player play a loud, blaring jazz solo during a
slow, soft symphonic movement?
Because the part was marked tacit, and he thought it said "Take it!"
 

French horn

How does a woman know when she's dating a french horn player?
Whenever he kisses her, he has his hand up her rear.


Trombone

How many trombonists does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold onto the light bulb and four to sip whiskey until the
room spins.


Why is a dead snake in the road more tragic than a dead trombonist in
the road?
The snake may have been on the way to a recording session.
   

What do you call a guy who knows how to play the trombone, but
doesn't?
A gentleman.
   

What did Captain Picard say when he entered a jazz club and saw a
trombonist on stage?
"Computer: End program!"
   

What do 4 trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea?
A good idea!

   
How do you know if there's a trombonist at your door?
The doorbell drags
   

Tuba

What's a tuba for?
1-7/8" by 3-7/8"
   

What's the range of a tuba?
About 20 yards if you've got a good arm.
   

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: One to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp and three to drink
until the room spins.
   

An out of work conductor got a job as a hit-man. He got an assignment
for a kill and was driving down the road when he saw his target on one
side of the road and a tuba player on the other side of the road. Who
did he kill first and why?
The target - business before pleasure.

   
Percussion

One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he
hid one of the drummer's sticks.
   
After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed
expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and
screamed to heaven:
   
"Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"
     _________________________________________________________________
   
   New category: Musical Oxymorons. For example
     * Snare Drum Music
     * Professional Drummer
     * ...
       
   
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   from the Drummers Dictionary:
   
   Accelerando, n. drum fill; solo
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   Why do bands need Roadies?
   
   To translate what the drummer says.
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   Two drummers walk into a bar...
   which is funny because you would have figured the second one would
   have learned from seeing the first guy do it.
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   A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells
   brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet
   quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it
   costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third
   says "Drummer" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and
   questions the salesperson.
   
   "I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when
   I can get an astrophysicists' for $10?".
   
   The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used."
     _________________________________________________________________
   
   Q: What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagon?
   
   A: Farfromthinken
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   Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
   
   A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!
   
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   Two girls are walking along when they hear...
   
   "Psst! Down here!"
   
   They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog
   says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous
   drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at
   each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and
   stuffed it in her pocket.
   
   The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"
   
   The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth
   heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"
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   What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common?
   
   They both suck without Cream.
   
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   Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   
   A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts
   the bulb in the socket for him.
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   A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn
   how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store,
   walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red
   trumpet over there and that accordian."
   
   The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can
   have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
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   Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
   
   A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
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   A guy walks into a shop.
   
   "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a
   Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
   
   "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
   
   "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
   
   "This is a travel agency."
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   Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
   
   A: One, but only after asking "Why?"
   ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")
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What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
   
   
Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?   
You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and
uninspired.
 
   
If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter
Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad
time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

   
I lady walks into a store and tell the man behind the counter she
would like some musican brains. "Alright" he says, "What kind?".
 
"How much do they cost?" she asks.
  
"Well, those there are trumpeters at $5 a pound, those are french
horns at $7 a pound, and those are conductors' at $10 a pound." He
replies.
  
"What are those way back there?" she asks.
   
"Those are drummers brains. They cost $100 a pound." He replies.
   
"GOODNESS!!", she exclaims, "Why are they so expensive?"
   
"Lady, do you realize how many drummers it takes to get a pound of
brains?!?!".



What is the difference between a chiropodist and Ginger Baker?  
A chiropodist bucks up your feet!!
(with apologies to Ginger Baker fans, ... and those that needed to
reach for the dictionary for that one)


What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla?
A really dumb gorrilla!!! 


"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"   
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."


Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?   
Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your
girlfriend.
 

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk about how
much better Neil Peart would have done it!
 
   
Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?
So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the shit on the
road.

   
Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Neither did I.

   
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

   
   An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting
   outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming
   coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and
   asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven.
   St. Peter responds:
   
   "No, that's God. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich."


How can you make a drummer slow down?
Put a sheet of music in front of him


How can you make that drummer stop?
Put notes on it!

   
Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?   
So they can park in the handicapped spot.

   
   A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "excuse me,
   I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings."
   The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says
   "pardon?"
   "I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings."
   The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his
   customer and says "you're a drummer aren't you?"
   "Yeah! How did you know man?"
   "This is a fish and chip shop."

 
Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his
keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out....

   
How is a drum solo like a sneeze?   
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.


   A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is
   essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with
   a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are
   perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the
   intelligence of the people in them.
   
   He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've
   always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of
   interconverting what are fundamentally..."
   
   SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone
   and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and
   though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's
   fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..."
   
   SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see
   what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the
   paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..."
   
   SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night
   was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..."
   
   SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were
   looking at one another and drooling.
   
   Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing
   what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two
   guys inside.
   
   "So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?"
     _________________________________________________________________
   
   a variation on the last one
   
   Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, "I bet you I can
   relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman." The other
   replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys." "Ok,"
   says the first, "you're on."
   
   The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells
   the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in
   a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week. The salesman asks
   him, "What's your IQ?" "190." So they chat for a while about the stock
   market, particle physics, and Non-Euclidean geometry.
   
   "Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still
   have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a
   tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him
   "What's you're IQ?" "About 100." So THEY chat for a while about
   baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar.
   
   "Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He
   goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy in a
   muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?"
   
   "About 60."
   
What kind of sticks do you use?"
   

What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

   
What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

   
What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
"Would you like fries with that?"


Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up."
Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."
 

What does the dyslexic drummer do after a joke?
"Ching, Badumdum".
   

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
   

What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
   

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There's machines that can do that now.
   

How can you tell if there's a percussionist at the door?
The knock speeds up.
     

What's the most important thing about being a drummeTiming.
   

How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth. 
   
  
Keyboards

Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning?
They never struck the same place twice.
 

What's better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ. 
   

Voice

What's the difference between an opera conductor and a baby?
A baby sucks its fingers.

  
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one; she just holds it in place, and the whole world revolves
around her.


Why can't a soprono drive faster than 68 m.p.h.?
Because at 69 she blows a rod.
   

What's the difference between a soprano and a Jaguar?
Most musicians have never been in a Jaguar.
   

What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
More body hair on the alto.
   

How do you know that it's the lead singer knocking at your front door?
 You open the door and he still doesn't know when to come in.

  
Conductor

How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but then again, who's really watching?
 

What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in front and the ass in back.
   

Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet in the earth?
Because DEEP DOWN he was a nice guy.
   

What's the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead
snake in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.
   

One of the members of the symphony calls the front office asking for
the conductor. The receptionist informs him that the conductor is
dead. The next day, he calls again, asking for the conductor. The
receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, the conductor is dead".
The musician calls on the next day, again asking for the conductor.
The exasperated receptioninst says, "Look, why do you keep calling
here? I'm telling you, the conductor is DEAD!! To which, the symphony
member calmly replied, "I just really enjoy hearing you say that!".
 

In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra.
Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play
wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped
across them. These people were known as "strings". Then they noticed
that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two
sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were
known as "percussionists". Finally, they noticed that one
percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away
one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And
that was the birth of the first conductor.