Radium’s Theories

Here you will find completely proven facts. If anything here is even untrue in the slightest bit, then my name’s not Radium_226. And remember, you can’t spell “disinformation” without Radium.

“I had to write a paper for chemistry and once I found Radium’s Theories, I knew I wouldn’t need any other sources!” – Anonymous high school dropout
“Radium’s Theories are some of the most profound and enlightening pieces of knowledge I have ever been priveleged enough to read. What I learned there in only a few hours, I will be able to apply for the rest of my life.” – Bill G., Former CEO of a large Software company

Theory #114

Bandwidth is an expendable commodity like water, electricity, or peanut butter (though water is still hotly debated in some circles). If you have it and you don’t use it, it falls into what scientists call a “Cyberspace Black Hole.” A long, involved proof, and several greek symbols later, it can been proven that once bandwidth is lost, it is completely unrecoverable. Therefore it is imparative that we waste as little precious bandwidth as possible. If you are graced with a broadband connection, make sure you are using it to its fullest extent. Keep on surfing and do your part to conserve our internet resources!

Theory #56

The process which keeps the ice at an ice skating rink frozen is really quite simple. As any high school chemistry student can tell you, matter may be brought to a solid state if you either lower its temperature sufficiently or raise the pressure sufficiently. Understanding this is the key to understanding ice at a skating rink. The air pressure at an ice skating rink is actually many hundreds of times higher than normal atmospheric pressure. The pressure is raised in such a way as to be safe for humans, as long as the proper precautions are taken, and the end result is skatable, solid ice, and fun for all ages. With this in mind, you can now see why it’s very important to take your time in leaving after you’ve finished skating. Your body needs time to depressurize, otherwise it can actually explode from the accellerated pressure differential. This is also why there are no velcro ice-skates. The time required to untie and unlace the skates is an added precautionary measure actually put in place for your safety. Keep on skating, kids, and remember, don’t breathe too deeply or you’ll melt the ice!

Theory #212

The average non-scientific mind is under the assumption that the numbering scheme used here random. This actually could not be farther from the truth. Most modern physicists agree with theories of a “curved universe” in which space-time is both infinite and closed. A person can travel in one direction and eventually come back around and meet himself. Experimental evidence has corroborated this idea. And so it is that the case of Radium’s numbering scheme is extremely similar. It is not at all “simply random” but is, in fact, so completely random that it actually spans across the entire continuum of non-random space-time and meets itself back at the truth, which, as was previously mentioned, is the original point of departure.

Theory #213

There are only 212 of Radium’s Theories. Mathematical proof is as follows:

Theory #212
QED.

Theory #55

Method for Removal of Weeds:
Given a garden with an unknown amount of weeds in it, give a plant a moderate tug. If it comes out easily, it was not a weed. Proceed to give everything in the field a tug and create a map of which ones don’t come out easily. Next, re-plant the entire field planting the weeds inverted. The new weeds will cancel out the old ones but the new crops will add constructively. Not only is this method effective for removal of weeds, but the good crops have now doubled due to the constructive interference. See kids, there’s nothing a little frequency analysis can’t solve.

Theory #87

Sugar has a curve of effectiveness on the human body, building to a peak, and then disippating. So, too, does caffeine, but it takes longer to kick in. Theoretically, then, the perfect soft drink will have both curves interacting, with the caffeine curve intersecting the sugar curve at a -3 dB point in order to create a nice, flat, extended response. Further, superposition applies for not drinking the entire drink in one shot, where sips equate to individual shots and the response = sum of impulse responses of sips. So long as sips are spaced evenly, one can moderate intake–again, timing them so the individual curves sum to a nice, flat response.